Anurag Kumar

The wind kept brushing against his face; it was getting difficult for him to keep his eyes open. But even with eyes closed, images from the past kept popping up before him and he felt a sharp shooting pain in his heart each time. Traveling in buses always brought back memories; the memories that he had been fighting with all his strength but losing every single time; the memories which made him smile a few months ago, had now turned into nothing short of a torture. The bus was traveling way too fast but he was lost in his own world.
It has been long since we talked and the last words which I heard from you were “I am going from here”; there I stood lost, so weak that I could not even move my feet to stop you and neither did you bother to turn around. Your words echoed in my ears “you are such a selfish person, I should have listened to my parents, it was a huge mistake and I regret every moment spent with you all these 4 years." And you were gone forever. I waited and waited on but you never returned nor did you ever respond to my messages. Back then, I made a pledge to myself, of forgetting you forever. It pained, I cried and cried some more but all I got was only one answer, "you cannot forget her, you are not strong enough.” In the quest to keep myself away from your memories, I changed places and cut off with people around me but all my efforts failed. And I realised the bitter truth of my life that “you are gone like forever from my life and I have to live my life this way."
Just then, as he felt the first splash of rain on his face through the bus window, he awoke with a start, breaking up the thoughts. "I love you Udita,” he uttered in his mind as he looked out and closed his eyes again which were already filled with tears. It was hard on his part to tackle all this alone; neither could he pour out his pain to someone close. He did everything he could so as to get some relief from this ugly curse, but all efforts were futile.
Away from the cries and sorrow of his world, Udita was on a much propitious ride. "Finally life has been worth living for, thanks to God," was her facebook status, after she parted herself away from the person whom she called her love some 9 months ago.
"Words hardly matter and people tend to change in a span of days. I have had enough of sorrows and just can't afford any more. Life is a book of chapters. As we move forward, we need to turn the pages and close the previous chapter, not to be opened again," she reflected these words to herself, as the plane took off from Netaji Subhas Chandra Bose International airport.
Life has been generous to her; new college, new friends, no promises to be kept, no relation to be handled. She desperately wanted to make this come off and deliberately discarded a series of attempts by Aryan to change her decision. His pleadings were incorrigible for her now. “Nothing matters to me other than my studies and career ahead, I am very happy without you. That’s for sure,” she conveyed this in a discordant tone ever used by her. Everything in her life was taking shape like never before and she welcomed every joy with open arms. Relations were the last thing she wanted in her life right now.
On the other hand, Aryan was fighting grimly against pain each day; kept on changing places, wondering, in search of solace but with futility. He set ablaze the letters, the gifts, and a few shirts that she had gifted him. But nothing could erase her from his heart, she was unforgettable. She always made her omnipresence felt. Even to this day, he could smell her enchanting fragrance everywhere around him; but she was nowhere around. Slowly but surely, he was on the verge of losing a hard fought battle. But he had decided that whatever happens to him now, he would never let the girl know and so he had disconnected himself from every possible common chord between them.
Two years flew by and a lot had changed by now. Though the first few months were joyful for Udita but soon after, as the gloss started peeling off, she felt the void in her life by his absence. She was missing him dearly. But this situation was her own creation, for she dared to imagine her life without Aryan. She tried to contact him, but to her luck, Aryan had cut off every single thread between them.
Udita in one of her attempts to re-contact Aryan through email…..
20th Oct 2004
It has been 2 years since I had heard your voice. The last time you came to meet me, I had just walked away. I now feel the void in my life without you and realise how important you are in my life, but I guess it’s too late now.
It's not that I haven’t made a move on. I did, many-a-times. But I failed miserably each time. There are so many boys out there, but why do I always keep thinking about you all the time? Why do I see your face flashing on every other guy? Why?
You had just asked one thing from me, "be by my side.” But I never did value your feelings. And now without you, away from you, all these days are proving to be so agonising for me. I can't forget you, I just can’t.
Please come back into my life, Jaanu.
With this she pressed the 'send' bottom, but <The mail was not delivered> came the prompt.
She suddenly felt a sharp, acute pain stabbing her; tears kept flowing from her eyes as they turned red.
"Wherever you are, you know I love you...from my heart, I really do. I will be waiting for you. Whatever it takes, whatever's at stake, I'll always be waiting for you," she repeated these lines in her mind as she prepared herself for the haunting night ahead.
Aryan would soliloquise his pain and his thoughts in his diary. Some entries:
29th Nov, 2006
Udita is gone and she will never be back. I kept ignoring and overlooking the reality for almost 4 years now. Like passing clouds in the sky, her dreams brush me every other night; they are my only means to see her, to capture her cute smile; to cup her face with my hands, to feel her presence in my empty life.
But with each passing dream, a new hope arrives; a hope of her reappearance. With the desire to touch her, my eyes flick open; ending the journey mid way, only to find no one around. I scan everywhere around, gaping in disbelief, Udita is no more mine.
I have now accepted that she won't be coming back. But should we only love someone until as they love us back?
But did Udita ever love me? If she did, then how could love subside so drastically? If not, then why did she spend all those years with me? Why did she promise me so much?
Why did you go away Udita? Why have you left me alone? You knew that I am and will always be incomplete without you, yet you went away!
19th Dec, 2006
It had been over four years since I saw her last and things were falling into place. I had assumed my love to be one-sided and somehow had learned to live with my pain. But everything fell apart yesterday, yet again, when I saw her! Not in my dreams but in reality. And for a few minutes, my world got stuck!
She looked changed but beautiful as ever, spotless, smooth skin; her dimpled cheeks like the rosebud in spring, with a kind of unearthly radiance, and her big hazel eyes, bright as ever. Her lips even without any artificial gloss were shining. Her dress shimmered against her skin, her charm seemingly irresistible, she looked wonderful.
I was still lost in my thoughts when she approached towards me, and said, "Hi, Aryan!” Her voice was as soft as it used to be, but instead of responding, I just closed my eyes and walked away, leaving her standing there.
For all that I have gone through these years, I can’t let her know that I still love her, with all my broken pieces; that I feel myself incomplete without her; that I cry in pain for her every night. But I don't know why I walked away from her! I need her, I crave for her; yet I just walked away when she had come back!
Udita inks her thoughts in her diary today…
22nd Dec, 2011
Human emotions: the more one focuses, the more it deepens with every single thought. The sooner one realises its depth, the better for them. But the depth comes with its own set of complications and tangles.
When I had decided to leave him behind, things looked pretty simple ahead – an independent life, a new environment, new people and no questions to be answered. But with the passage of time, I realised that it was his togetherness, those silent talks, it was his love that I craved for the most; that my life was incomplete without him. But I had earned the pain all by myself. My immaturity and my headstrong impetuosity cost me the most precious person I had in my life – Aryan.
That day when I finally found out Aryan after four years, he did smile at me, but as soon as the pain I had inflicted on him dawned upon him, it faded away. And before I could express my feelings, he just walked away. I felt helpless as he turned back from me and walked away. With his behavior it reflected that he hated me, the reason being the obvious. The more his absence in my life haunted me, the more I realised what he must have gone through, when I had done the same to him, a few years back, with a crueler attitude.
I met him again, few days following our previous meeting, hospitalised and bandaged. As destiny would have it, the news in the paper, of an accident that a car had been brutally hit by a lorry would have skipped my eyes as another unfortunate news but the name of the car-driver got my attention and I ended up outside the I.C.U.
Doctors revealed that he had suffered severe head injuries and needed to be kept in there for the next 48 hours. The Almighty didn't let my prayers down; Aryan showed remarkable improvement and was soon shifted to the general ward. After six tough days, I gathered all my courage to face him, again. As I entered his ward, he gave me his usual characteristic smile, as our eyes met. But I saw it fade away, yet again, as the distance shortened. "How do you feel now, Aryan?” I asked him.
With a confused look written all over his face, he replied, "Sorry! But I don't seem to recognise you. Have we ever met before?"
His words struck me hard and before I could sense the situation or reply to his query, the attendant asked me to let him get some rest; he had been advised not to put too much stress. And then suddenly the doctor’s words echoed in my ears. I understood everything. With a smile, I answered him back, "We had met once at the airport before this accident. We will talk more about it, but now you need ample rest. I live nearby and would give you a visit soon. Till then, take rest and recover quickly."
“Thanks for the visit and for your concern. I don't know why your voice seems so familiar and very soothing.” His words faded in the background, “She seemed so concerned about me; I wish I could remember her...” as I left his room.
With heavy steps, I walked out of the hospital, wishing that the ground could swallow me inside. Was this destiny’s judgement for me? But one thing certainly came good out of this, that I was out of his life and memory, forever and he would never shed a tear for me again.
I left his world and never went back to him. Neither did I hear of him again. Perhaps destiny didn't want us to be together; on the bigger part, it washed me out of his life.
My love for him grew with the days following that incident; today is 22nd Dec, the day we had kissed each other for the first time. I remember him every day and miss him madly, but I guess now I have a much bigger reason to live my life. I realised I could never get over him, marriage was never an option and then out of the blues, an angel stepped into my life...
Udita closed her diary, and turned around to face her adopted son.
"Hey, what’s the matter dear?”
"I am feeling hungry,” he muttered rubbing the tiny little belly of his.
"Sure, tell me what would you like to eat?”
His face lightened up on seeing his mother agreeing to his request. Getting up from her chair, as Udita took him into her arms and moved out, mid-way through the dining hall, a huge quotation plate on the wall made the little child smile. His name was engraved with his mother’s – ARYAN and UDITA!



Post a Comment